Manners Monday- How to Sit for a Formal Meal

Note: This is not me. It's a picture of a Server I found on Google. He's doing a fine job. 

Believe it or not, when you're serving a formal meal, there's a proper way to put food in front of a guest and a proper way to pick it up. Knowing this will help you to be a really well-mannered guest at your next event and allow your server to serve all guests and clear tables efficiently and easily...

As a Server, when I bring food to the table, I place it in front of the guest with my left hand from the left side. Please clear a big space in front of you as the first course comes out!

When I clear dishes, I take them with my right hand from the right side. The goal is never to put an elbow in a guest's face, or show them the back of your hand (or glove, as the case may be). It's almost like you're bringing their food in and giving them a hug from behind (without touching them or being creepy, lol).

When I'm filling drinks, I fill them with my right hand from the right side (which is where they are located).

When I clear dishes from each course, I also take the silverware and anything else on the table that goes along with it. For example, if you're finished with your salad, bread, butter and dressing after the first course, I'll clear your salad plate, 1 fork, 1 knife, your bread plate, your butter knife and any dressing vessels and serving utensils on the table.

When I clear dinner, I'll take another plate, fork and knife.

When I come around with coffee, I usually place the cup and saucer in front of a guest and fill it from the right side.

When the whole table is finished with coffee, I take coffee cups, saucers, spoons, creamer, and sugar. Sometimes this doesn't happen until the end of the party, so these items may stay out longer than those from the main meal.

After dessert, I take plates, forks, and anything that is left from the meal except for water and any active drinks (the ones you're probably still working on). I take empty glasses throughout the event to get them out of your way and make sure you don't look like an alcoholic. You're welcome :)

At the venue where I work, we typically leave napkins through the entire event. That way, if you want to use it for your coffee, dessert or drinks, you have it there. We aim to keep them folded and looking nice during the main meal (as guests get up from the table).

So that's that. Note that not every venue does it this way, but many do. If somebody is doing it differently, don't say anything. It's just as rude for you to point out that a Server is doing something 'wrong' as it would be for them to tell you that you used your dinner fork on your salad. Oh, and it doesn't matter THAT much as long as everyone gets their dinner in a timely manner, right?

Also not me. Thanks, Google :) 

What can you do to be a better guest at the dinner table? Here Are 5 Tips to Remember: 

1. Sit down when you're asked to and stay there (within reason) until the meal ends- When it's time to eat, it's time to eat. As soon as you're asked to make your way to your seat, you should. Don't grab one last cigarette, mosey to the bathroom, stand around your table talking, or ignore the request and keep doing what you're doing. There's a schedule that your hosts have set up and every minute you waste is a minute you lose from the dance party (or whatever is happening) after the meal. Once your food is in front of you (especially for the first course), stay in your seat and eat what you want of it. Keep in mind that that course has to be cleared for your entree to be delivered, and until most people in the room are finished, that can't happen. Again, time is of the essence and the kitchen, DJ, hosts and servers are waiting on you :) No pressure, though! Of course, if you need to get up or want to go get a drink, you may, but use your discretion on the timing. After you're finished the meal, feel free to get up, bust a move, hit up the photo booth, check out the bathroom and that cool bathroom basket the bride & groom made, grab some flip flops, a have a blast!

2. Allergies & dietary restrictions- At the venue where I work, we try to come around and confirm food orders before bringing the first course out. When your server comes over, be sure to let him/her know if you have any special dietary restrictions that the kitchen should know about. This way, when your food comes, it'll be right the first time and won't take time away from you or them as we know you both have places to be and things to do! If your server does not come over, see if you can get the attention of a staff member and let him/her know.

3. Keep your hands in your lap- or at least try not to throw them up in the air or wave them around like you just don't care during dinner service. This could result in a spill, broken dishes, etc. Placing your arm around a loved one is really sweet, and I can't be upset if somebody does this. However, sometimes it makes placing food on the table and clearing it away a little more difficult. If you are aware of the procedure and can move your arm as your server comes by, that might be nice :) Just saying...

4. Keep the space in front of you clear- These days, we go to weddings with cameras, cell phones, purses, tissues, little jackets/ shrugs, and more, and we acquire hors d'oeuvres, drinks, place cards, favors, etc. along the way. Put these things anywhere EXCEPT right in front of you. Your place setting- or cover- has a specific purpose and when you put things there, it keeps servers from being able to fulfill that purpose (bringing your food right to you). You can put them under your chair, on your chair, in front of your place setting, etc. Be careful with things on the floor though, as they could present a tripping hazard if they're sticking out. I asked a guest to place a crutch further under the table last week as it was sticking out just enough that anybody walking by (including me) could've tripped on it. Keep in mind also that anything you're finished with that is going to be cleared away should remain within arm's reach of your server, so please don't push empty glasses, empty plates and such toward to center of the table as you finish with them.

5. Be nice to the staff- Smile, have fun, and tip your server for exemplary service if you want to. This is not required at most formal events as the hosts have already taken care of gratuity in many cases. However, if your server went above and beyond and you want to thank them monetarily, the venue should not have a problem with that and your server will certainly be grateful. While dining, consider your server and use the golden rule. Treat them as the people they are, and treat them the way you want to be treated. Don't leave trash you wouldn't want to pick up, including dirty diapers (Oh, I've seen it), gum on your plate, a messy conglomeration of food and drinks (especially an issue with kids), etc. Somebody has to clear that and break it down, and just because that person isn't you, doesn't mean it's okay to do it. I thank you for taking the time to be nice to staff, because I know what it's like to be on the other side, and I love what I do, but I'll never get over some of the gross things that I've seen and touched (I wash my hands every time I go back to the kitchen, and still need a really good shower when I get home). Thank your Servers, and pass on your recommendations for the venue if you had a nice time.

Nice job, Google servers! 

Was this helpful? What other tips do you have? 

By the Way...
Want to learn about the etiquette and history of Napkins? This post is an oldie but a goodie!

Your Table Awaits: Silverware, Glasses and Plates is super helpful as you get ready for a formal meal, too!

Salt & Pepper etiquette? Yes, please!

Cocktail Hour etiquette is a biggie. Check it out here!

Want to learn more about the biggest Tips for Tipping at a wedding or other formal event?

Are you in an upcoming wedding and wondering what to expect?

Deciding what to wear for an upcoming soiree? Check this one out!

Napkins- History, Folding and Etiquette

In the United States, when setting the table, the napkin is typically placed to the left of the cover (one's setting spot at the table), while in Europe, it is placed to the right of the spoon (think of the napkin as a car in each place- easy enough to remember!).
   In the 16th century, napkins became an accepted form of refinement in dining, and by the 17th century, the standard napkin was about 35 inches wide by 45 inches long (this was a time when people ate with their hands and needed to wipe more food stuff off). In the 18th century, the fork was accepted by all classes of society and brought neatness to dining that reduced the size of the napkin to approximate 30x36 inches (whereas it had been much larger before).  Today, napkins are made in a variety of sizes, but typically for a formal, multi-course meal, a large square napkin (between 22 and 26 inches on each side) is used.
   At a formal affair, to save space at a place setting, the napkin is placed directly on the table or on a service plate (if one is already in place when guests are seated) in the center of a cover.  At an informal meal, the napkin is placed wherever and however the host/hostess likes.
   Napkins are sometimes folded into fun and/or fancy shapes. the 18" napkin is easiest to fold in a decorative manner, and you can even create these artistic centerpieces at home! Your guests will love it.  To retain shape, before folding a napkin, you can lightly starch the fabric and iron out any creases.  Heavier fabrics will hold shape well, whereas lightweight fabrics are recommended for horizontal (closer to the table) folds.  A wise hostess will have extra napkins ready just in case.
   When you are dining, your napkin should be unfolded and placed in your lap.  It should be kept there at all times until you leave the table.  When you leave the table, be careful not to drop it on the floor, and do not leave it in a heap at your spot. Fold it (however you'd like) and place it along the left side of your place setting (so as to leave room for the next course to arrive in the center if you are away) or fold it (soiled side up) on your chair.
   Note: I've had a number of people send their napkins back on their plates after the main course.  I would not recommend making this a habit because:
  1) you may need it for dessert as well.
  2) the main course often has juices on the plate and the napkin will get even messier there than it did when you used it for your face and hands.
  3) it makes it more difficult for servers to clear when they have to consider napkins as well. Their focus at that point is on getting your dishes back to the kitchen so that they can bring you the next part of your meal (which might be coffee or cake), so let them work! :)

A Few More Napkin Etiquette Notes:
- Before unfolding your napkin at a seated meal, wait for the hostess to remove her napkin from the table and unfold it in her lap.  If the meal is buffet style, unfold it when you are ready.
- When messy finger food is served, such as shellfish or spare ribs, before tucking your napkin under your chin or tying it around your neck, look to the host to see if he does the same.
- Use the napkin to blot the lips, not wipe the mouth.
- When a napkin ring is provided, place it to the top left of the cover above the forks.
- Ladies: Please refrain from replenishing your lipstick before sitting down at the table. This is done to prevent an imprint of lipstick on the rim of a glass or a napkin.
Here are a few fun folds you can try yourself! I did these at home with napkins we got at Kohls and Bed, Bath & Beyond.  Nothing super fancy, but they look pretty special, don't they?!
- When sneezing or coughing at the table is unavoidable, turn your head to the side (careful not to sneeze on your neighbor or anyone's food), cover your nose or mouth with a napkin and proceed as quietly as possible. Never use your napkin to wipe/blow your nose. Use a handkerchief or a tissue instead, and if needed, excuse yourself to go elsewhere and get a tissue or some toilet paper if you do not have anything.
- If you have to burp, cover your mouth with a napkin, quietly burp and softly say, "Excuse me".
- If you have the hiccups, excuse yourself from the table until they have passed. Say sorry quietly when you return and move on :) No biggie.

The Tavern Fold is commonly seen at restaurants and dining venues. For Step 3, you'll want to turn your napkin so that the middle point of the triangle is facing upward (long edge at the bottom) and pull the 2 side corners up to the center. For Step 4, you'll flip the whole thing over and pull what was the bottom corner (in step 3) downward.  For Step 5, you pick the whole thing up from the middle line and stand it up on the table. 

The Fan is an easy fold, and a pretty way to incorporate your napkin and a glass at a place setting.  Fold the napkin in half with the fold at the top, fold it accordion-style from left to right and place one end into the glass (fold still along the top). 

The Pocket Fold is used at many venues as well, and is very popular today for weddings, as brides & grooms are creating menu cards that fit inside.  

The Bow Tie is simple, yet fun on the table. Fold into a triangle, roll from the point to the long edge and tie the rope into a loose knot. 

The Astoria Fold is especially pretty when you have a monogram on one corner of your napkin. 

The Luncheon Fold is nice when pulled through a napkin ring or tied with a bow. 

The Envelope Fold is fun for kids' parties. 

The Sailboat Fold is, too! 

This different take on the Pocket Fold was the first fold that I learned and one that I've used for years. It's fun and easy and sweet for knives, forks and spoons to start out the meal in a little home. 

 The Echo Fold is a bit complicated, but is so neat! Fold the napkin in half, then fold each side in twice so that it reaches the center and looks sort of like a scroll.  Fold one side backward behind the other and adjust. You can put it out vertically or horizontally, and you can even add a little decoration if desired. 

The Orchid Fold is beautiful and is the main feature of our dining room table right now! Fold the napkin in half, then bring each of the top corners down to the bottom center.  Then, take the 2 bottom corners and bring them UP to the center. Finally, add a napkin ring and fold down the 2 top wings to make your flower petals. 

The Candlestick is pretty simple, and will stand on its own when created with a stronger fabric, or with a napkin ring if not.  Fold into a big triangle, fold up the bottom a few inches, flip it over and start rolling from one side to the other. Tuck the end into the fold and voila! 

Try not to leave your napkin like this. 

The Artichoke fold opens in the center and can be used to keep rolls warm. 

The Bishop's Hat is a standalone fold that can be folded down (below) for a different look! 

The Cathedral Fold is a small, pretty fold that does not take very long to create. 

The Diamond Fold is slightly complicated, but really cool! I added a little bow that I had floating around. 

Here's the back of the Diamond fold. 

The Fleur-de-lis Fold has a very majestic look. 

The Fortunella Fold is appropriate for any meal. 

The Iris Fold is a European custom that goes way back. Please forgive the napkin ring tags- I've since removed them! 

Thanks to The Simple Art of Napkin Folding by Linda Hetzer, which I found at my local library, and which inspired this folding frenzy! There are many more folds out there, but these were just a few that I tried and liked.  Hope they inspire you, too.  

Your Table Awaits...Silverware, Glasses & Plates

Working at a venue for weddings and large events, I can tell that many people are not very familiar with the etiquette of their place setting (I wasn't until I started working there, either!), so I put together some pictures to help us out.  Here we go...

Let's pretend you get to a fancy table like this (with chairs, of course) and you sit down. Why do you have 3 forks? 2 knives? Multiple glasses? What's what and how do you prepare yourself for the unknown meal that is about to be presented to you? 

...or maybe you're eating over a friend's place and it's a little bit less formal. Do all of the same rules still apply? 

Here's what you need to know:

The number of utensils laid on the table initially is determined by the number of courses. A place setting for a multi-course meal is crowded with flatware and stemware.  To alleviate clutter, no more than 3 forks, 3 knives and a soup spoon are laid on the table initially.  

Because most people are right-handed, the knife and spoon are laid on the right side of the plate and the fork on the left (left-handed diners can reverse this setting if they'd like).  The prongs of the knife face the plate.  This custom dates back to the middle ages when an inward-facing blade represented goodwill, versus an outward-facing blade, ready for swift retaliation against an enemy. 

Flatware is placed on the table based on common sense, comfort, convenience and symmetrical alignment (this is why a well-set table is so pleasing to the eye). The lower edges of utensils are lined up with the bottom of the plate, about 1 inch from the edge of the table.  Utensils should be placed about 1 inch from the sides of the plate/bowl so as not to be hidden. They are placed on the table in the order of use for each course, starting on the outside of the place setting and working their way inward toward the plate.  

When salad is served as a side dish to the main course, we would use one fork and knife for both. However, if salad is its own course, you would use one set of flatware (fork and knife) for salad, then send it away, then use another set for your main course.  

If you start out the meal with a place setting like this (see the middle picture first), here's how you'll eat and send your dishes away. Looking at the flatware (aka silverware), we can tell that there will be two courses for which we'll need a fork and a knife, and that before these, we'll be using a spoon for soup (sorry I don't have any soup spoons at home. They're usually more round). The top left plate and knife are for bread and butter and can be sent back with any course's dishes (it's okay to hold onto them and finish your bread with your main course). In the first picture for each course, flatware is placed as if we're still working on the (delicious, invisible) food.  In the 2nd picture, flatware is placed to indicate that we are finished.  Notice where it is on the plate. Some people may criss-cross the knife and fork to show that they are finished, and that's okay, too! After the soup course, salad course, and main course, we can slide the fork and spoon down for dessert and coffee.  (Note:  Each meal is different, so the setting will not be the same for every event you attend.  Look for a menu on the table for more guidance and remember, if you make a mistake or send a knife or fork that you need away, it's okay- you can always ask for another).    

This place setting is also set for drinks.  The top glass is for wine (sometimes you may see two wine glasses- one for red and one for white), the next one is for champagne, and a third will be placed with water closer to the event's start time. 

 

The top silverware position would be used if you had to step away from the table but did not want your food to be cleared yet.  Use this kindly, as your server will be awaiting the space for your next course.  

Important Note: 
A soiled utensil should not be laid on the table after it is used.  This includes spoons for iced beverages (where you would leave the spoon in the glass while drinking) and tea/coffee (where you would leave the spoon on a saucer).


Did You Know...?
In the Middle Ages, European noblemen owned 2 knives: A large one used as a kitchen tool and a small one used as an eating utensil and a dagger.

In Medieval times, a host did not supply dinner knives. Noblemen carried their own carried in a leather sheath on their belts. Peasants carried knives in stockings strapped to their legs.  The saying 'to whet the appetite' came from the same time when a whetstone was placed at the entrance to a great hall so that guests could sharpen their knives before a great feast? When we say 'whet your whistle' today, we can be grateful that we don't actually have to!

The knife was the first utensil and was initially used as a tool to cut and to spear large sections of meat. Soon the fork was developed and the knife's shape was changed accordingly.

Louis XIV was the first king to provide guests with a knife, fork and spoon, and by the 18th century, suites (sets) of matched flatware were fashionable throughout Europe and England. By the mid 18th century, these sets were available and affordable enough for those of average means to have their own sets.

I think you're ready for your next meal now.  When we eat at home, we tend to create a very informal setting for ourselves and our families, but it can be fun to set the table in a more formal, traditional way. Try it for your next meal or your next party, and remember that these traditions have been around for centuries, and will be around for many, many years to come!

Source: The Art of the Table: A Complete Guide to Table Setting, Table Manners and Tableware by Suzanne Von Drachenfels (A GREAT book!)

Pass the Salt (and Pepper), Please!

Did you know...

Etiquette says that if somebody at a table asks for the salt shaker, you should also pass the pepper, and vice versa? This changes if there is a pepper mill or a salt cellar (a small bowl); because they are more cumbersome, they can be passed alone.

It is more common these days to see shakers, so here's what you need to know about them.  The one with more (and typically smaller) holes is the salt (because it is finer), and the one with fewer, larger holes is the pepper.
   If you see a set with 1 and 2 holes, the one with 2 is the salt. If a set has 3 and 5 holes, the one with 5 is the salt. Got it?
   Since more people use salt than pepper and most people are right-handed (sorry, lefties), the salt should be placed to the right of the pepper on the table. But remember, when one is requested at the table, as a courtesy to the diner, you should pass them together.

If you should be at a meal where they have a salt cellar instead of a shaker, there should be a spoon to use to get a bit of salt and sprinkle it onto your food.  If there is not a spoon, etiquette says that you can use your thumb and forefinger to grab a pinch from the bowl.

Pepper is less likely to make you feel the urge to sneeze if it's in a shaker than a mill or a bowl.

It's true! So let's see if they created these S&P sets correctly (given that a lot of people don't really know this etiquette well):

Correct. More holes=salt

Not Correct, but it's okay! I have these cute little ghost salt & pepper shakers. They're not correct hole-wise, but they are so cute, we can forgive them. Plus, it's obvious that the salt should go in the white one...unless you're looking for a little trick to add to your treats. 

Technically? Not sure, but I like it :) 

The pea with 3 is the salt, you see! Correct!

 Incorrect A great idea, but these geniuses mixed it up.

 The shaker with 2 is the Pepper- woo hoo! Correct.

The shaker on the left has pepper, everyone knows. I just hope with only one hole, that the pepper flows. Correct (although it looks like salt is coming out the bottom, of both- how odd.)

Cute trees. Two for salt. Correct!

Nice idea, but they mixed up the lids! Eh (wrong buzzer goes off)

Now for a little joke. Two peanuts were walking down the sidewalk and one was a-salted.  Okay, take that one with a grain of salt. Hey! Don't make fun of me- I'm insalted! Alright, enough of that. I'm glad you're here and humbled by your visit. You know, you're just the salt of the earth. Okay, no more. I mean it. Later, gators!