Manners Monday: The Formalities

Photo Source: This Cozy & Glitzy Winter Wedding on The Knot (LOVE this wedding!) 

The formalities of a wedding include everything up until open dancing- these are the moments that really make the day special, and can include (but not be limited to):

- the ceremony itself
- the introductions of the newlyweds and wedding party
- the first dance
- toasts (often given by the Best Man and Maid or Matron of Honor)
- a blessing before the meal (often given by a father, an older family member, a religious leader or an honored friend)
- a welcome (often given by the father of the bride)
- parent dances (often include the Bride & her father and the Groom & his mother, but any variations are possible)

During these special parts of the day, proper etiquette says that guests should be punctual, quiet, respectful and focused on the moment, taking it all in and contributing to the sanctity of the day.

As we know, there will be a time for dancing, for that photo booth, for the bouquet toss and/or garter toss, for drinks, for dessert and coffee- but for now, just breathe, watch, listen and smile! As an honored guest, all you need to do right now is be happy for the bride & groom, which should be pretty easy!

Manners Monday: Your Champagne Flute

Okay, so we're not going to be mean if you want to keep it (just say so), but the goal of that particular glass of champagne is for you to toast to the bride and groom, and the goal of your Server is to take things off of the table that you do not need anymore as the night goes on, leaving you (eventually) with cake, coffee, full bellies and happiness. Therefore, when the toast is done, go ahead and drink the champagne that you want out of that flute, allow your Server to clear it away, and if you really like champagne and want more, just ask for it at the bar! They probably have more and will be happy to pour you a glass...or two... 

Want to learn more about champagne toasting flutes? This post focuses on the bride & groom's flutes (which stay on the table through the meal, because they're fancier and a little more special- no offense) as well as the history of champagne for toasting, the magic toasting words in different languages and more! 

Manners Monday- How to Sit for a Formal Meal

Note: This is not me. It's a picture of a Server I found on Google. He's doing a fine job. 

Believe it or not, when you're serving a formal meal, there's a proper way to put food in front of a guest and a proper way to pick it up. Knowing this will help you to be a really well-mannered guest at your next event and allow your server to serve all guests and clear tables efficiently and easily...

As a Server, when I bring food to the table, I place it in front of the guest with my left hand from the left side. Please clear a big space in front of you as the first course comes out!

When I clear dishes, I take them with my right hand from the right side. The goal is never to put an elbow in a guest's face, or show them the back of your hand (or glove, as the case may be). It's almost like you're bringing their food in and giving them a hug from behind (without touching them or being creepy, lol).

When I'm filling drinks, I fill them with my right hand from the right side (which is where they are located).

When I clear dishes from each course, I also take the silverware and anything else on the table that goes along with it. For example, if you're finished with your salad, bread, butter and dressing after the first course, I'll clear your salad plate, 1 fork, 1 knife, your bread plate, your butter knife and any dressing vessels and serving utensils on the table.

When I clear dinner, I'll take another plate, fork and knife.

When I come around with coffee, I usually place the cup and saucer in front of a guest and fill it from the right side.

When the whole table is finished with coffee, I take coffee cups, saucers, spoons, creamer, and sugar. Sometimes this doesn't happen until the end of the party, so these items may stay out longer than those from the main meal.

After dessert, I take plates, forks, and anything that is left from the meal except for water and any active drinks (the ones you're probably still working on). I take empty glasses throughout the event to get them out of your way and make sure you don't look like an alcoholic. You're welcome :)

At the venue where I work, we typically leave napkins through the entire event. That way, if you want to use it for your coffee, dessert or drinks, you have it there. We aim to keep them folded and looking nice during the main meal (as guests get up from the table).

So that's that. Note that not every venue does it this way, but many do. If somebody is doing it differently, don't say anything. It's just as rude for you to point out that a Server is doing something 'wrong' as it would be for them to tell you that you used your dinner fork on your salad. Oh, and it doesn't matter THAT much as long as everyone gets their dinner in a timely manner, right?

Also not me. Thanks, Google :) 

What can you do to be a better guest at the dinner table? Here Are 5 Tips to Remember: 

1. Sit down when you're asked to and stay there (within reason) until the meal ends- When it's time to eat, it's time to eat. As soon as you're asked to make your way to your seat, you should. Don't grab one last cigarette, mosey to the bathroom, stand around your table talking, or ignore the request and keep doing what you're doing. There's a schedule that your hosts have set up and every minute you waste is a minute you lose from the dance party (or whatever is happening) after the meal. Once your food is in front of you (especially for the first course), stay in your seat and eat what you want of it. Keep in mind that that course has to be cleared for your entree to be delivered, and until most people in the room are finished, that can't happen. Again, time is of the essence and the kitchen, DJ, hosts and servers are waiting on you :) No pressure, though! Of course, if you need to get up or want to go get a drink, you may, but use your discretion on the timing. After you're finished the meal, feel free to get up, bust a move, hit up the photo booth, check out the bathroom and that cool bathroom basket the bride & groom made, grab some flip flops, a have a blast!

2. Allergies & dietary restrictions- At the venue where I work, we try to come around and confirm food orders before bringing the first course out. When your server comes over, be sure to let him/her know if you have any special dietary restrictions that the kitchen should know about. This way, when your food comes, it'll be right the first time and won't take time away from you or them as we know you both have places to be and things to do! If your server does not come over, see if you can get the attention of a staff member and let him/her know.

3. Keep your hands in your lap- or at least try not to throw them up in the air or wave them around like you just don't care during dinner service. This could result in a spill, broken dishes, etc. Placing your arm around a loved one is really sweet, and I can't be upset if somebody does this. However, sometimes it makes placing food on the table and clearing it away a little more difficult. If you are aware of the procedure and can move your arm as your server comes by, that might be nice :) Just saying...

4. Keep the space in front of you clear- These days, we go to weddings with cameras, cell phones, purses, tissues, little jackets/ shrugs, and more, and we acquire hors d'oeuvres, drinks, place cards, favors, etc. along the way. Put these things anywhere EXCEPT right in front of you. Your place setting- or cover- has a specific purpose and when you put things there, it keeps servers from being able to fulfill that purpose (bringing your food right to you). You can put them under your chair, on your chair, in front of your place setting, etc. Be careful with things on the floor though, as they could present a tripping hazard if they're sticking out. I asked a guest to place a crutch further under the table last week as it was sticking out just enough that anybody walking by (including me) could've tripped on it. Keep in mind also that anything you're finished with that is going to be cleared away should remain within arm's reach of your server, so please don't push empty glasses, empty plates and such toward to center of the table as you finish with them.

5. Be nice to the staff- Smile, have fun, and tip your server for exemplary service if you want to. This is not required at most formal events as the hosts have already taken care of gratuity in many cases. However, if your server went above and beyond and you want to thank them monetarily, the venue should not have a problem with that and your server will certainly be grateful. While dining, consider your server and use the golden rule. Treat them as the people they are, and treat them the way you want to be treated. Don't leave trash you wouldn't want to pick up, including dirty diapers (Oh, I've seen it), gum on your plate, a messy conglomeration of food and drinks (especially an issue with kids), etc. Somebody has to clear that and break it down, and just because that person isn't you, doesn't mean it's okay to do it. I thank you for taking the time to be nice to staff, because I know what it's like to be on the other side, and I love what I do, but I'll never get over some of the gross things that I've seen and touched (I wash my hands every time I go back to the kitchen, and still need a really good shower when I get home). Thank your Servers, and pass on your recommendations for the venue if you had a nice time.

Nice job, Google servers! 

Was this helpful? What other tips do you have? 

By the Way...
Want to learn about the etiquette and history of Napkins? This post is an oldie but a goodie!

Your Table Awaits: Silverware, Glasses and Plates is super helpful as you get ready for a formal meal, too!

Salt & Pepper etiquette? Yes, please!

Cocktail Hour etiquette is a biggie. Check it out here!

Want to learn more about the biggest Tips for Tipping at a wedding or other formal event?

Are you in an upcoming wedding and wondering what to expect?

Deciding what to wear for an upcoming soiree? Check this one out!

Manners Monday- Toothpicks, Trash & Tips: Cocktail Hour Etiquette

Cocktail Hour is an informal time of pre-dinner socializing, hors d'oeuvres (light snacks) and alcoholic beverages, including wine, beer and mixed drinks. It has become very common for weddings and formal events to include an hour of stationed or butlered hors d'oeuvres (or both) before guests sit down to a formal meal. It may be located indoors and/or outdoors depending upon the weather, the size of the group and the preferences of the hosts. During Cocktail Hour, you can hold a plate of delicacies in one hand, a Signature Cocktail in the other, have an earful of beautiful music and the sweet sounds of happy mingling, and be able to find a place to enjoy yourself while the time flies by. 

 If you're headed to a formal event such as a wedding, a gala or a special dinner, here are some tips for proper etiquette that you can use during Cocktail Hour:

Getting Food & Drinks: 

- If there are passed (or butlered) hors d'oeuvres, take a napkin and take one or two items at a time. Do not touch anything on the Server's plate except for what you're taking, and do not place your toothpick back onto the plate after you've eaten the food off of it.

- Feel free to ask questions about the food you are eating, especially if you have dietary restrictions due to allergies. If the staff member you ask does not know the answer, he/she should be able to find it for you in a timely manner.

- If there are stationed hors d'oeuvres, wait patiently in line to get your food as well as any silverware or napkins needed, then move through quickly (using provided serving utelsils, not your hands) and move along to another area to eat. If/When you go back up for more, you can choose to get a fresh plate (and leave yours in the area where you were eating to be cleared) or to reuse your original plate. When you return, if the 1st plate has not been cleared yet, do not stack the new plate on top of it. Simply move it aside.

- Cocktail Hour food is typically quite tasty, but it can also be filling. Keep in mind that there are often 3 more courses coming (salad/soup, entrees and dessert) and sometimes more, and try to pace yourself so as not to be wasteful or give yourself a stomachache.

- Speaking of pacing yourself, remember the guideline that you should consume no more than ~1 standard alcoholic drink per hour so as not to get drunk, and to have a spacer (a glass of water) in between drinks. One drink at a time is plenty, and you don't need to refill until your last drink is empty. You know your body better than anybody else at the party, so hold yourself accountable for what you're putting into it, keeping in mind the occasion and your mode of transportation when the event ends. If your goal is to get tipsy/drunk and it's an appropriate occasion to do so, don't just throw caution to the wind: You still want to pace yourself so that you don't black out, pass out, or toss your cookies before the party ends (or even after it's over).

- You may want to plan ahead and bring along some cash for tips at the bar. While many venues do not put out a tip jar, you can certainly offer a tip for exemplary service, and most bartenders will happily accept. Don't plan on the venue having an ATM, because they may not.

- Do not go up to the bar with the intention of handing over your trash and dirty dishes. The bartenders have limited space to make your drinks, and your food trash and dishes will just get in the way of that (and cause a longer wait for drinks). Somebody else-- somewhere else-- will clear your food trash and plates! That being said, if you have a glass from your previous drink and you would like the bartender to refill it, feel free to bring that with you. If you have a dirty glass you do not want to reuse, it's better to have a server clear it from the spot where you're eating.

Where to Eat Your Hors D'oeuvres :

- Look around! Are there hi-top tables? Tables with chairs? Comfy chairs and couches? Outdoor seating? Tables for the main meal in the same room where Cocktail Hour is taking place? No more room to sit? Assess your options and pick a spot. It is easier to eat and drink if you have a surface to put something down, but it's possible to stand and hold everything where you are if needed. You should avoid eating at a food station or a table with an important function (for example, a Place Card table, a Gift Table, or the table with the Guest Book/Board) as something could spill or get in the way of the table's intended purpose.

What to Do With Items When You're Finished: 
- You may wonder what to do with your toothpicks, trash and even dishes as you finish. If you're standing at a hi-top table, you can just put them down and a staff member should be around to clear them in due time. You should not have to flag them down, and should certainly never snap at them (literally or figuratively). If you do feel as though your area needs some attention after some time has passed and perhaps they've missed it, it would be okay to respectfully make a request as a Server passes by.

- Do not ever toss things onto a Server's tray. Keeping a tray balanced is...well, a balancing act!...and having somebody add something on (or take something off) when you're not ready can cause things to fall, spill, break, etc. Make sure he/she is ready before handing them anything and allow him/her to place it on the tray.

- Leave trash on top of a plate or a napkin if possible. Do not place trash into glasses, especially if there's still liquid inside.

- If you are not standing/sitting at a table, you can either find the nearest table to put them down, OR if you see a large tray set up anywhere in the room, feel free to place your items there. Please do not put them down on a food station or a table with an important function.

- If you are seated at the larger round table, try to place items near the edge of the table (instead of scooting them to the middle) so that staff members may clear them with ease.

Toothpick Etiquette: 
- PLEASE do not break your toothpicks into little pieces. This goes for straw wrappers, too.

- You may be in the habit of using a toothpick at home or elsewhere and keeping it in your mouth for a long period of time. When you're at a formal event, this is not really the time or place to do that. The purpose of these toothpicks get the food from the kitchen to your mouth, so once that is done, it has served its purpose and you can put it down. If you need to clear something from between your teeth, you may want to excuse yourself and take care of that in the bathroom.

Your To-Do List During Cocktail Hour: 
- Enjoy yourself! Eat, drink & be merry! 
- Mingle and smile. Network if it's that kind of event, and get to know new people no matter what the occasion!
- Look around! The hosts may have planned some additional details that they wanted you to take note of during this time. Is there a Guest Book or Board to sign? Are there lawn games to play? Is there a Signature Cocktail that they'd especially want you to try? Did they bring in a selection of seafood for you to try? Is there a table with Place Cards for the main meal? If so, go and find your place card (or Escort Card).
- Be aware- This one is for safety purposes. When the party starts, be aware of the flow (of people and servers), the crowd, the seating options, etc. If it's very busy, make every effort not to swing your arms, back up (or even walk forward) without looking, or plant yourself directly in the path of traffic. This way, everyone will be free to move and socialize as they wish without getting stuck. Along the same lines, watch where the staff members are coming from/going. If they're all using one door, please do not stand right outside of that door! It can be dangerous for you and for them.
- Keep your friends close and your children closer- Having your children at a formal event can be a lot of fun, but it comes with an added responsibility for you to know where they are at all times and to be close by. This should go unsaid, but you still need to parent your children at a party, even when there are other children, staff members and lots of other adults around. This is true for the entire wedding day, down to the last minute. Children running around can be dangerous for them and others-- especially if they are small and out of the line of vision of a Server who may be carrying heavy/hot/large things. Keep them close and keep everyone safe.

When Cocktail Hour Ends:
At the conclusion of the hour, you'll be asked to take your seat. Feel free to leave any plates, glasses, etc. that you are finished with behind. If you're still working on something, bring it along with you. Follow the seating plan if there is one and try to get to your seat quickly. If the bar has closed temporarily, do not try to pressure the bartenders to give you one more drink. If you need to use the restroom or want to grab one more little plate of food, do so quickly, but please wait to go smoke one more cigarette or take 10 more pictures with your family. There will be time to do that later, and your Server may be waiting at your table to confirm your entree order, so get in there!

Do  you have any other Cocktail Hour tips and suggestions? Add them in the comments below!! 

By the way...
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